>> The Switch
>> Scott Pilgrim vs. the World
>> The Other Guys
>> Salt
>> Inception
>> Cyrus
>> The Last Airbender
>> Grown Ups
>> Toy Story 3
>> The Human Centipede

Opening 9.10.10
>> Resident Evil: Afterlife (R) [trailer]
>> Bran Nue Dae (Limited) (Not Rated) [trailer]
>> Heartbreaker (Limited) (Not Rated) [trailer]
>> I'm Still Here (Limited) (Not Rated) [trailer]
>> Legendary (Limited) (PG-13) [trailer]
>> Lovely, Still (Limited) (PG) [trailer]
>> The Romantics (Limited) (PG-13)
>> The Virginity Hit (Limited) (R) [trailer]

Coming To DVD/Blu-Ray 9.7.10
>> Supernatural: The Complete Fifth Season [buy]
>> The Office: Season Six [buy]
>> Smallville: The Complete Ninth Season [buy]
>> Jillian Michaels: Shred-It With Weights [buy]
>> Criminal Minds: Fifth Season [buy]

Las Vegas: Satan Vacations Here
by Victoria Alexander
September 19, 2005

Caryl Phillips’ Novel: “Dancing In the Dark,” Giorgio’s at Mandalay Bay, “Buck Wild” at Sahara, “Penn & Teller” at Rio, Michael Jackson Redux, Spawns of The Joker, George Carlin Insults LV Tourists, and more...

Movie Previews. The past week was filled with press only and promo movies: “The Baxter,” “The History of Violence,” “Lord of War,” “Just Like Heaven”, “Asylum,” and “Cry Wolf.” I highly recommend “The History of Violence,” and “Lord of War.”

John and Afghan Defense Minister Wardak. Last week, on Sept.10th, John’s friend, Afghan Defense Minister Abdul Rahim Wardak, was the target of an assassination attempt. Gunmen opened fire on a vehicle belonging to Wardak after he had got out, and shortly afterwards a helicopter carrying another top military official, army chief General Bismillah Khan, crash-landed. John spent the last three months of 2003 in Afghanistan mentoring Afghanistan’s Department of Defense. I hope this bungled assassination attempt doesn’t affect my invitation from Minister Wardak to visit Afghanistan as his houseguest (with bodyguard and driver provided). I already have a very nice black burqa! (On right, photo of John Alexander with Minister Wardak in Afghanistan in 2003)

The Katrina Debacle: Our Terrorist Enemies are Rejoicing! The toughest, biggest, meanest power on Earth couldn’t cope with a natural disaster. Hell, we like to see ourselves as a peace-loving bully. We invade your country, imprison your dictator, and force democracy on you! We “shock and awe” you. After bombing your country back into the Middle Ages and a civil war brews, we’ll leave. Then Katrina happened to us! There was a warning. Here is what our Terrorist Enemies saw on TV around the world: Half naked Americans holding signs saying “Help Us,” reports of everyone inside the Superdome defecating all over, people using $2,000 debit cards to buy luxury goods, and massive looting. Out came the guns and everyone was firing them off. Dead bodies floating in the water. Every citizen is harangued to send money since our government cannot respond. It is now evident that Americans cannot handle a natural crisis. All Hell broke lose. This portends to tell our bitter enemies what would happen if a dirty bomb or virus was let loose in a U.S. city.

I am suggesting that everyone apply for the position as head of FEMA. Even if you are a file clerk, mechanic, or delivery boy – send in your puffed up resume. Michael Brown wasn’t qualified and he got the job! He padded his resume and nobody checked. Why would they check ours? Let’s inundate FEMA with resumes.

We might include a cover letter with a brief paragraph about how we would have handled Katrina. Here’s mine: Everyone who OBEYS and goes to a shelter [like the Superdome] would be told where to urinate and defecate. For those who obey, there would be cruise ships ready to take those thousands away. Before the hurricane hits, a bus would come and offer each family money to leave and be generously relocated. If they refuse they must sign an agreement saying they would not seek to be rescued or expect aid of any kind. What ever happened to “Stay At Your Own Risk?”

As far as being poor in America, by whose standards? I’ve traveled all over the third world and I have not made my observations from the window of an air-conditioned tour bus. Remember, half the population of the world has never made, or received, a phone call. How much of the population of the world does not have toilets that flush, running water, or electricity? I know. I’ve traveled there. That’s poverty.

Is it just me? Brazilian director Fernando Meirelles (“City of God” and “The Constant Gardener”) was interviewed for U.S. News & World Report in its Sept. 5th issue. Of filming in Kenya, Africa, Meirelles said: “I come from a developing country, but the poverty really shocked me. Comparatively, Brazilian slums are Beverly Hills. There is electricity, water, solid walls. In Africa, the houses [in the slums] are made of mud, and they all cook with fire, so smoke is everywhere. There’s no sanitation. Those are hard conditions to live in. And I’m Brazilian. I can only imagine what the British [producers, crew, and actors] thought.”

We have been pressed to donate money to victims of 9/11, Tsunami relief, and now the martyrs of Katrina. How much more can we give and still keep paying obscene prices for gasoline and home heating oil? (I guess the Iraqi War wasn’t about getting those oil fields after all!)They built the city below sea level and now they want to rebuild it! Martyrs who survived Katrina are now being relocated. They will be given free housing, clothes, medical care, job placement, and cosmetic surgery so they will feel better about themselves. Each one will be baby-coddled for the next few years. Finally, through an Act of God, these people have been airlifted out of poverty.

Threatening to Quit the Business. If Leonardo da Vinci was griping about those awful slave-driving popes or Albert Einstein was complaining about giving up science for raising chickens, mankind would have trembled. But when Gwyneth Paltrow, New York Magazine’s Sept 12th cover girl, continues to talk about “quitting ‘the whole circus,’ “ I have to counsel her: “Gwynie, that means no more free couture clothes, abundant swag, and magazine covers. And there goes those Saudi billionaire yacht cruises. And no one will care if you call your next baby Tulip. Same thing goes for you, Mr. George Clooney, who keeps thinking Hollywood will crumble and mountains will collide if he quits acting. George, I appeal to your love of humanity. Please don’t quit! You are the face of our inner-gay-male generation! (Men’s Vogue premiere issue cover boy; Paltrow photographed for New York Magazine by Dan Winters.)

Buck Wild at the Sahara. After one performance of “Skintight” at Harrah’s and two performances of “Bite” at The Stratosphere, I thought I had my fill of topless shows (for at least a month). But an invitation to “Buck Wild,” including “moonshine and grub in the pool area of the Sahara,” just seduced me. I like the cleverness of topless shows, as do the hordes of tourists who descend on Las Vegas. If it were up to our Mayor, there would be a strip club in every casino and on every corner. Mayor Oscar Goodman is campaigning to make prostitution legal in Sin City.

It's another David Saxe Las Vegas production this time featuring country music with dancing, comedy, and some Saxe stable of regulars. The ensemble cast features new additions T.J. Weaver as the singing host, singers Tamara Kelly and Annika Starander, sensational 11-year-old harmonica prodigy L.D. Miller (so mature he will be mating soon), impressive redneck magician Nathan Burton, fiddler extraordinaire Russ Hendricks, and the "Buck Wild Boys" band. Buck Wild features brief topless cowgirls and real singers. Live music is now unusual at most Las Vegas shows, so this is an added, much appreciated, attraction. Buck Wild doesn’t leave out a thing: there’s a mechanical bull, a Dukes of Hazzard car, a few male dancers, and some silly comedy. Love that Saxe regular juggler! Hey David, how come no press material?

Saxe should integrate his performers into the show the way “Bite” does. This way there would not be the old-fashioned variety show formula where the curtain goes up and done between acts. Buck Wild is for adults 18 and older only. Showtimes are 9 p.m. every night except Sundays, with an additional early show at 7 p.m. Saturdays only.

Prices start at $49.95 plus tax and fees for seating Levels 1 & 2. VIP tickets include premium seating, line pass, and an official Buck Wild T-shirt. Tickets are available at the Sahara Hotel and Casino box office. Call 702-737-251

Penn & Teller. Penn has branched out, producing “The Aristocrats,” the movie being promoted as the vilest movie ever. The movie does have one redeeming quality: The music is composed and produced by Gary Stockdale. I have the CD. Stockdale’s collaboration with Penn & Teller also includes his work as music supervisor for their show at the Rio All-Suite Hotel & Casino in Las Vegas. Stockdale wrote the theme music for P&T’s very funny Showtime show “Bullshit!” I really love “Bullshit!” even if Penn wouldn’t shut up.

The return of Penn & Teller at the Rio was on Saturday night, September 17th. You can get there one hour early since Penn is playing cello with the show’s pianist. The show is phenomenal. Here in Las Vegas it is not permitted to slam Cirque de Soleil or other magicians. It is forbidden to tease Las Vegas’s resident sainted performer, Roy. Penn doesn’t care! P&T keep their signature “Bullet” trick and Penn is still on the red sofa swallowing fire. The rest of the show is brand new. P&T show us how a famous magic trick is done and amazes us with other magic that is unique and totally unexplainable. We had a great evening thanks to Tom at Costa Communications who found us two of the best seats in the sold-out crowd: Third row center! Tickets are $75 plus tax and available at the Rio Box Office by calling 1-888-746-7784.

Michael Jackson Redux? In my first TDH column on July 18, I wrote about our friend Gordon Novel going to Neverland and telling Michael Jackson to dump his Alien-Visits-Earth look. Gordon told Michael: “Get rid of the weird persona. You look like the weird pedophile.” I teased Gordon that he wasn’t invited to Neverland to give Jackson grooming tips but to make his accusers “go away” (as per his totally unfounded reputation). However, it now appears Jackson has taken Gordon’s advice! Rumors suggest that Jackson, who just was spotted in NYC, was hiding out in Bahrain staying with his friend Sheik Abdulla, is trying “to make himself more butch and manly in order to return to the stage.” Michael is said to be undergoing a major rebranding exercise.

Michael C Luckman, author of “Alien Rock: The Rock 'n' Roll Connection,” has claimed the 47-year-old star has been beefing up with a personal trainer in the gym on a daily basis. Luckman claims Jackson has been doing regular weight-lifting and has been instructed to ditch the long hair and ghoulish make-up in order to make him more appealing when he returns to the live arena. Luckman added that Jacko is rumoured to be in talks with a Las Vegas casino to take on a residency here, something the King of Rock and Roll, Elvis Presley, did in his twilight years. Luckman told the New York Post: "Michael Jackson is headed to the stratosphere. Nothing can stop him now."

Can Jackson return as a macho black man? He can change to short wigs but isn’t his makeup permanently tattooed on? My advice to Michael is to stop taking skin bleaching pills and returns to his genetic roots. A silcone piece inserted into his nose to lengthen it would also be advised. Adding 10 pounds would also quell that “Advanced AIDS face” he is sporting.

Spawns of The Joker. Am I the only one who hasn’t caught the Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen love virus? The Multimillionaire Twins (who stopped making money as soon as their tween fan base hit 13) have obviously been throwing a ton of money at PR firms. They are everywhere in the media hailed for doing absolutely nothing (does being a part-time fashion intern count?) As Spawns of The Joker, M-K and Ashley are now gracing magazine covers that praise them as “gorgeous” and “fashion icons.” (Photos from left, of Ashley O, The Joker, and Mary-Kate O)

Dancing In The Dark. “Dancing in the Dark” by Caryl Phillips (Alfred A. Knopf, $23.95) was highly recommended to me since it is about the first famous black entertainer in the U.S.: Bert Williams (1874-1922). Novelist Phillips re-imagines the remarkable, tragic, and little-known life of Williams.

Emigrating with his family from the Bahamas, Bert Williams astonished everyone by working on the stage. At the age of twenty-two, after years of struggling for success, he made the radical decision to do his own “impersonation of a negro”: He donned blackface makeup and played the “coon” as a character. He became a sensation. Hiding behind this mask, Williams became a huge Broadway star, starring in the Ziegfeld Follies for eight years and leading his own musical theater company. He was as influential a comedian as Chaplin, Laurel and Hardy, and W. C. Fields. But playing this blackface character weighed heavily on Williams, rupturing his life and integrity as a man. Using the historical novel as a device to bring Williams’ life into strong focus, Phillips doesn’t shy away from confronting the psycho-sexual nature of his unhappy marriage. Phillips gets under the skin of Williams and his partner, womanizer George Walker. Phillips also has a cool eye towards his subject and the racial landscape of the time. I didn’t feel for one moment that I was being preached to or the author had a moral agenda. There is a sadness in Phillips’ writing, a wit about the Broadway lifestyle for black performers, and a brutal insight into the era for a man who was trapped by his own creation.

George Carlin’s Interview in October’s Playboy Magazine. The last time I saw George Carlin perform in Las Vegas he did ancient material. Then he proceeded to take out a piece of paper and, telling us it was material he was working on, read jokes. A year later a fan of Carlin’s told me he does this at all performances. So Carlin is too bored to bother memorizing his material! I don’t care if he was high on vicodin and crack, this is disgraceful. (You’ve been doing this for ninety years and you can’t do some memorizing? Dennis Miller laughs at you.)

The last time Carlin was in Las Vegas, in his last performance at the MGM Grand and before 700 paying customers, he reportedly said: "People who go to Las Vegas, you've got to question their fucking intellect – traveling hundreds and thousands of miles to essentially give your money to a large corporation - is kind of fucking moronic. That's why what I'm always getting here is these kind of fucking people with very limited intellects." A woman shouted, "Stop degrading us." Carlin replied by inviting her to “blow him.” He also said he was eager to get out of "this shitty hotel" and back east "where the real people are."

However, Carlin disputes this account in Playboy. Carlin explains: ”While Vegas audiences can be wonderful when there’s a younger crowd, 80 percent of the time you get these fucking overweight schlubs from the Mississippi Valley. And they’re a fucking bother because they have no imagination and no appreciation for unusual, creative themes in comedy. They think everybody should be like what you see on television. They’re fucking horrified when they hear some of my subjects. I said something about that. I said, “I can’t wait to go back east, where the real audiences are,” or something like that. I’ve said that to audiences before. Usually I say, “There are three types of people who come to my shows, and you’re the third type, and it ain’t fucking good, folks.” The trouble is, a local gossip columnist was in the audience, and he used some sensational language to amek a story out of it. Suddenly it became a fucking “meltdown.”

George Carlin returns to Las Vegas performing at The Stardust Resort & Casino’s Stardust Theater on November 17 thru 30. Tickets are $54.50 plus tax. Will Las Vegas residents and “overweight schlubs” be forgiving or will they taunt him by trying to make him flip out?

Our Favorite Snake In The Grass.

From GalleryOfTheObsurd.com.

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