>> The Switch
>> Scott Pilgrim vs. the World
>> The Other Guys
>> Salt
>> Inception
>> Cyrus
>> The Last Airbender
>> Grown Ups
>> Toy Story 3
>> The Human Centipede

Opening 9.10.10
>> Resident Evil: Afterlife (R) [trailer]
>> Bran Nue Dae (Limited) (Not Rated) [trailer]
>> Heartbreaker (Limited) (Not Rated) [trailer]
>> I'm Still Here (Limited) (Not Rated) [trailer]
>> Legendary (Limited) (PG-13) [trailer]
>> Lovely, Still (Limited) (PG) [trailer]
>> The Romantics (Limited) (PG-13)
>> The Virginity Hit (Limited) (R) [trailer]

Coming To DVD/Blu-Ray 9.7.10
>> Supernatural: The Complete Fifth Season [buy]
>> The Office: Season Six [buy]
>> Smallville: The Complete Ninth Season [buy]
>> Jillian Michaels: Shred-It With Weights [buy]
>> Criminal Minds: Fifth Season [buy]

Las Vegas: Satan Vacations Here
by Victoria Alexander
April 3, 2006

The Sopranos and HBO’s Unclaimed Star Hooker, Menopause The Musical, Basic Instinct 2, Divine Strake to Blast Las Vegas, Teri Hatcher in Vanity Fair, Osama’s Promise to the U.S., and more...

The Sopranos, Big Love, The L Word, and Hunts Point Hookers. The Sopranos are back and Thank You Jesus for waking Tony up. And now that Edie Falco has her 2006 Emmy Award all wrapped up, can we get back to the mob stuff? Tony has gone soft! His two-episode coma-dream makes me think he really wants to be a salesman. Tony almost got hoodwinked into walking into The White Light! Paulie Walnuts will always be my favorite and he’s devoted to his mother! I also started watching HBO’s new polygamist series “Big Love.” Bill (Bill Paxton) has three wives (“Boss Lady” Barb, Nicki, and the newest, 21-year old Margene) that all worship him and love each other. These “sister-wives” are hungry for sex with Viagra-popping Bill, especially uninhibited Margene. (Photo of Tony Sirico of “The Sopranos”.)

Bill’s ancient father-in-law (Nicki’s father) Roman Grant (Harry Dean Stanton), prophet and patriarch of Juniper Creek, rules the second largest polygamous sect in Utah where Bill grew up. Roman gleefully told a reporter in the series third episode: "The principle of plural marriage was God's sacred gift to us. We alone have kept the principle alive. We are the one true church." Roman’s youngest wife Rhonda is fourteen, so she’s in a “pre-marriage placement" with The Prophet until she’s 16. Roman’s other wives are jealous since she is his favorite. Rhonda likes being “Queen Bee-in-Training.”

Showtime’s “The L Word” killed off Dana (Erin Daniels) to breast cancer three episodes ago. The most interesting character is female-to-male Moira/Max (Daniela Sea). Max, who is taking male hormones, recently whipped out his rubber penis and used it – the old-fashioned way “face-to-face” - on a gay man. I’m thrilled the writers finally let babe-magnet sex-slut Shane (Katherine Moennig) dump her hot Latino girlfriend AT THE WEDDING ALTAR in Canada in front of everyone they know. Carmen was the perfect white-gowned bride with her mother in attendance, but Shane suddenly realized her DNA made her lousy at staying faithful to any woman. Eric Roberts, who played her long-lost, openly adulterous father, should be a regular. And, since I rely on the gay community for all forward trends and catchphrases, being a “Gold Star” in the lesbian world means you have never slept with a man.

But the real star of Pay TV has to be “Cindy” the foul-mouthed (but honest) street walker from Hunts Point (“Hookers & Johns: Trick or Treat”). HBO, give this lady her own reality show but don’t fix her teeth.

Polygamy. On “Big Love” Bill is harried, overworked, and always trying to please his 3 wives and 7 children. He has a lot of financial problems since Roman expects his 15% share of everything and only Barb contributes to the households. We are supposed to sympathize with, not be envious of, Bill.

In Mali, Africa, since it is a Muslim country, plural marriage is common. According to the research I did online, Islam permits either 2 or 4 wives (not 3, since two wives would gang up on the third). I was told in Mali by a woman: “A man’s family chooses the first wife. He chooses the second one.” The Prophet allowed plural marriages as a way to (1) increase the number brought to Islam (a religion without big numbers is just a fad) and (2) as a way to take care of war widows and their children.

A Muslim man can have more than one wife if (1) each wife has her own house and (2) he treats each wife equally in all matters.

In a third world country, where women do not have the advantages Western women have and there is no social security system or 501 pension plans, being the second, third or fourth wife gives her a home, the very important status of becoming a mother, and a place in society.

My Mali friend Nene (married to a German businessman who, Nene bragged happily, “Has blue eyes and a big, long nose”) told me that a woman can have her future husband sign a contract not permitting him to take other wives. Without this contractual agreement, a man can take another wife without regard for her objections or feelings. I asked a shopkeeper who kept calling me “My sister,” if his two wives were “jealous.” Skillful in English, the concept of jealously was alien to him. I gave him two identical gifts for his two wives in exchange for a “better price” on some Mali rings. (Photo of Fula women with their blue-tattooed lips and many children.)

Menopause The Musical began at its Las Vegas opening night production (there are 14 other on-going productions) at the Las Vegas Hilton on February 23rd sharing the Shimmer Cabaret with “Dragapella!” The performance I saw on Tuesday was sold-out. Everything you don’t want to know about menopause and its creepy symptoms are gloriously sung about here – set to roaring classic rock music. The lyrics have been changed to honor the curse of menopause. Thank God for Modern Medicine and the uselessness of night sweats, sleepless nights, hot flashes and fainting spells. But apparently most women forego Modern Medicine’s remedies and suffer through menopause. It’s not pretty.

Susan Beaubian (Power Woman), Paige O-Hara (Soap Star), Cheryl Spencer (Earth Mother) and Marsha Waterbury (Iowa Housewife) meet in Bloomingdales. Completely different women over fifty, they all suffer from the horror of menopause. Beaubian is clearly the star with her strong voice and show-stopping Tina Turner number. My favorite parody is their take on Saturday Night Fever’s Stayin’ Alive. Writer/Producer Jeanie Linders created the show around the dreaded “Change” and adds a nice touch at the end. On Tuesday’s show, over 30 women from the audience joined the cast onstage for a Rockette’s style dance number.

Date & Time: Sunday at 2:00pm & 5:00pm; Tuesday at 7:00pm; Wednesday & Thursday at 2:00pm & 7:00pm; Friday: 7:00pm; Saturday: 4:00pm & 7:00pm. (Dark Monday). Ticket Price: $49.50 (plus tax and service charge). Location: Shimmer Cabaret at the Las Vegas Hilton. Call the Hilton Box Office at 1-800-222-5361 for tickets.

Basic Instinct 2 And The Return of Sharon Stone. At 48 years old (isn’t she 10 years older?), Stone has taken to delivering every line of her dialogue in “Basic Instinct 2: Risk Addiction” as if she were giving Mae West line readings. Thankfully, it is 41 year old David Morrissey who carries the movie. Stone sneers and talks dirty. Okay, she’s a hoot.

“Basic Instinct 2” has taken 14 years to make it to the screen. After nearly every Hollywood male star was mentioned and none signed on, Stone finally got a sexy, strong, strapping co-star, David Morrissey (you might wonder why him, but he’s got it) and a suitable director, Michael Caton-Jones. Caton-Jones makes Stone look good, but the true sex goddess of “Basic Instinct 2” is Charlotte Rampling (see her 2003 film “Swimming Pool.”)

Rough sex, erotic asphyxiation, junk orgies, and Tramell getting slapped and strangled. But what happened to the girl-on-girl action?

Instead of making widely quoted imperial demands and holding out for a huge salary, Stone should have taken her loot and personally dangled big bucks in front of Quentin Tarantino to direct the sequel. “Basic Instinct’s” director Paul Verhoeven has refused to work with Stone again (“She’s a liar.”), but what about her “Casino” director, Martin Scorsese? These two directors have been the only ones able to get a natural performance out of Stone.

Where is the sex scene between Catherine Tramell (Stone) and her therapist’s mentor, Dr. Milena Gardosh (Charlotte Rampling)? Now that would have been hot! The U.S. R version has no Tramell-goes-both-ways scenes. The New York Post’s Liz Smith says “…the European version of "Basic Instinct 2" is far more graphic, Sharon is more naked, there's more sex. It'll probably all turn up on the director's DVD cut.” Apparently, all the NC-17 deleted scenes are already online. The first clip up is a bisexual threesome scene with Sharon Stone dancing around, exposing her lopsided breasts.

“Lopsided implants?” Stone has furiously and constantly denied have ANY plastic surgery. She even brought a lawsuit again cosmetic surgeon Dr. Renato Calabria who made false claims she had undergone a vertical face-lift (which he pioneered). If Stone has not had extensive plastic surgery she either (1) sold her soul to Satan, (2) her surgeon worked on her in his basement and then killed himself, or, my personal preference (3) she’s not from Earth. She is from another planet where nothing ages.

Stone does have a sex scene with Morrissey’s character, Dr. Michael Glass. When she finally gets him in bed, she whips out the leather belt and gives him the biggest orgasm of his life. For pre-teens, it’s called “scarfing” (see August 15 “Autoerotic Asphyxiation Pt. 2” and August 1 “Rock Star Sex” from “The Devil’s Hammer” columns).

Here’s what the New York Post’s Page Six column said about the movie: March 29, 2006 – “MAYBE Sharon Stone should have listened to those who thought "Basic Instinct 2" was a bad idea. At the premiere Monday night, audience members kept cracking up at inappropriate times, like when Stone intones, "Not even Oedipus saw his mother coming!" "The only thing worse than the dialogue were Sharon's implants," shrieked one wag. During the full-frontal nude scene, Stone's bosom seemed lopsided. But nary a negative word was uttered at the after-party at Mr. Chow sponsored by Dior.”

Tattoos. Thirty percent of us under 35 have tattoos, so says the U.S. Army. And they are all ugly. If you are over 35 please do not get a tattoo. Whenever I see an old lady at the Las Vegas Athletic Club with a tattoo I cringe. And, since you must show-off your tattoo to be in the “club,” old ladies are always showing off – inappropriately I might add – skin best covered up.

Teri Hatcher, Vanity Fair’s April Cover Girl. It was supposed to be “V for Vendetta” Natalie Portman’s cover, but “Desperate Housewives” star Hatcher decided to debut two blockbuster items that insured HER the cover. One was her constant sexual abuse as a child (“This is something I’ve tried to hide my whole life but now I want to announce it in a sexy layout in Vanity Fair.”) and the fact that a major Hollywood A List Actor (“Mystery Man”) unceremoniously dumped her and destroyed her frail sexual confidence. (Making $285,000 an episode plus huge endorsement deals are not enough for Teri’s wounded ego.) Teri also volunteers that she and her former husband Jon Tenney did not have sex even once on their entire honeymoon and “the pattern endured throughout their nine-year marriage.”

Tenney declined to comment on the record about their sex life but you and I know that he’ll get even and nasty gossip about how crazy Teri really is will surface. As far as the name of the A List Sexy Mystery Man, blogs have pointed to Teri’s neighbor George Clooney. George does not like to be labeled a guy who, after he beds a famous woman, never calls again and has denied being Teri’s creep.

Teri’s Mystery Man callously dumped her right before Valentine’s Day! Teri, ABC-TV’s biggest star, has been all over the internet and US Weekly kissing ABC-TV’s “American Idol’s” Ryan “I’m NOT Gay” Seacrest. Why stage a kissing session on a public beach when you have a house nearby? And why are they both wearing matching grey ensembles? Teri has also found time to write a book, “Burnt Toast.”

Osama’s Promise to the U.S. In the first television interview of an Al-Qaeda member close to Osama since 9/11, Abu Jandal offers first-hand details about the most-wanted man in the world.

The former personal bodyguard of Osama Bin Laden says he is certain the al-Qaeda leader is planning an attack on the U.S. In the first television interview with an al-Qaeda member close to bin Laden since 9/11, Abu Jandal told Bob Simon first-hand details about the world's most wanted man on CBS’s “60 Minutes” last night.

Abu Jandal, who was with bin Laden in Afghanistan from 1996 to 2000, says bin Laden's last tape on which he threatened consequences to the U.S. is not a threat, but a promise. "When Sheik Osama promises something, he does it. So I believe Osama bin Laden is planning a new attack inside the United States, this is certain," he told Simon in the interview conducted in Yemen earlier this month.

Divine Strake Over Las Vegas. The US military plans to detonate a 700 ton explosive charge in a test called "Divine Strake" that will send a mushroom cloud over Las Vegas, said James Tegnelia, head of the Defense Threat Reduction Agency. The explosion is part of an effort to design a weapon that can penetrate solid rock formations in which a country might store nuclear weapons or other weapons of mass destruction. Knowing Las Vegas, the test, which is scheduled for June 2nd will be a must-see blast. Get those lawn chairs ready and pack up the kids!

If you would like to contact me about this column, or be included on my private distribution list for a weekly reminder, just email me at Masauu@aol.com.

The Devil's Hammer claims no credit for any images featured herein unless otherwise noted. All visual content is copyright to its respectful owners. The Devil's Hammer is in no way responsible for or has control of the content of any external web site links. Information on posted here may contain errors or inaccuracies; the column's writer does not make warranty as to the correctness or reliability of its content. If you own rights to any of the images, and do not wish them to appear in this column, please contact me via e-mail at Masauu@aol.com and they will be promptly removed.

>>The Devil's Hammer - Home